You’re a strange and seemingly unknowable thing. Schrödinger’s baby, if you will. While you’re very much real and here, you’re also not. I can feel you move and I can see you grow (well, I can see my stomach stretch seemingly infinitely and I know that’s you growing), but you still don’t feel real to me (or your father) yet. You are not here. In so many ways, you’re not real to us and we have no idea who you are or what you might become. You’re not here and we spend countless hours wondering what life will be like when you are. What will you look like? Will you have dad’s nose? Will you have my hair or eyes? What will you be like? Will you be cranky? Active? You’re certainly active in my belly. “Chill as fuck?” (that’s your dad’s hope) Will you have rhythm and musical skills like your dad and grandfather and aunt Anya? Or will you be rhythmically cursed like your mom? What kind of foods will you like? Will you be picky or easy going? Will you like doing the things we like to do? These are the same questions countless parents have asked for years, but still we wonder. How can something so tiny take up so much of my time and thoughts?
Your first photo – our little Blob. Aunt Anya calls you Blueberry, but you’ll always be our Blob.
Pregnancy has not been easy for me for various reasons. I was separated from your dad for 5.5 months, my own dad passed away, and then there are the general discomforts of pregnancy. But you’re worth it. Even not knowing who you are yet, you’re worth every single second of pain and misery that I’ve been through.
My how you’ve (I’ve) grown, baby. 36 weeks old – just keep cooking for a while longer, please.
There is so much I’m excited for with you. So many things I want to show you and teach you and talk to you about. So many things I want you to tell me. I know it’s a long way off, but one day you’ll be your own person with thoughts and opinions and I can’t wait to know what you think about the world. There is so much out there for you and I want you to experience every single bit of it. As I’ve learned even more since becoming pregnant with you, there is constant pain and sorrow, and constant love and light. You will not get to meet your grandpa Peter, but he loved you so much. He may not get to know you, but you will know him and I promise that his love will be part of your life.
Baby S. (your dad and I know your name, but we’re keeping it secret for now), I can’t wait to meet you and hold you and tell you, straight to your squishy face (I hope you have your dad’s nose) how much I love you. I hope you can feel how much I love you in there; how much you’ve changed my life already. Keep growing and developing and I’ll see you soon (but not too soon, because grandma Ketl needs to get here first and she still has to go through quarantine so please wait until at least September 14 if you don’t mind).
All my love forever and always,
Mom (Mum? Mummy? Momma? We’re not sure on this yet…hopefully you’ll help us decide)
Well, it’s been a minute. Apparently the last time I was here was in October of 2016! Since then life has had some ups and downs (honestly more downs recently, but we’ll get there…) So a little recap of the years:
2016
Luke and I kept traveling! 2016 was our most well-traveled year to date. After Scotland, we went to (in order) the Netherlands, France, Switzerland, Italy, Germany, back to the UK and then to Singapore for jobs we ended up hating! We rang in 2017 sitting on a dock in Singapore, looking at fireworks in Malaysia, and wondering if it would all turn out alright (it did).
Bonjour! I saw a thing in Paris!
2017
After 4 miserable months in Singapore (we made two friends, were cranky all the time, and mostly hated our jobs. The jobs were the reason we went there and the reason we left), we headed back to South Korea and both started work at the same place Luke had been previously. The bright side of Singapore was easy access to travel – we went to Indonesia twice and loved being able to just run away to the beach when things were rough.
Back in Korea, we moved into a tiny tiny tiny apartment, started hosting game nights with our friends, and settled into Korean life again. We went to lots of little Korean towns and finally made it to China where we were appalled by the air pollution in Beijing.
2018
Another lovely year in Korea. We got our own apartment (with MUCH more space and 2 whole bathrooms) and continued hosting friends for game nights. We probably ate way too much jjimdalk, but now that we’re not in Korea I miss it like crazy. We visited Vietnam (again), went on a dream trip to Malaysia (if you can ever get to Langkawi, DO IT), I went to the USA for a month on my own, I took a family trip to Colombia, we visited Japan (again), and we went to Laos.
Family dinner in Florida
2019
2019 was the start of some very big changes. We took a trip to the Philippines with my dad, went to Hong Kong and got engaged, got married, and finally decided our time in Korea was at an end. The job search began again and Luke got a great offer in Chiang Mai, Thailand. We went to Cambodia on our honeymoon/with my family where I found out I also got a great job working in international relations at Chiang Mai University. Our trip to Cambodia was incredible (I saw Angkor Wat!), but about half way through my grandfather passed away and Luke got an intestinal parasite. Quite the dramatic trip. I flew to the UK with Luke for a week with his family (we were supposed to be celebrating our marriage, but between the parasite and my grandfather, there wasn’t much celebrating happening) and then went back to the US on my own to be with my family before heading to Thailand.
June 3, 2019 – we got married!
We lived in a single hotel room for a month while looking for housing (LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT GREAT WAYS TO START A MARRIAGE). My grandmother passed away about 3 weeks after I arrived. We moved into an amazing condo with beautiful views of the mountains and I learned how to ride a motorbike. We went to Laos (separately) for our visas. We explored Chiang Mai extensively and decided it’s a lovely city. We also got a chance to take some shorter trips around the country and relax on the beach.
2020
COVID hits the world and we pretty much don’t leave the house for the first 5 months. Thailand did a great job keeping numbers low for the first part of 2020 and we end up taking a cross-country road trip over the summer. Luke did most of the driving, but we spent a good few weeks rambling about the country, eating lots of Thai food, and relaxing on the beach for a week.
Driving us around Koh Mak on a rental scooter – no helmets given, also not many drivers so slow and steady it is.
Luke wasn’t too keen on his job and decided to start looking for jobs elsewhere in November (assuming he would get an offer for after his 2-year contract is up). Initially we were looking at Europe, but COVID changed that and we ended up looking for better options here in Thailand. He got an offer at an amazing school in Bangkok and accepted it, even though it means having to leave Chiang Mai a few months earlier than expected. I was also accepted for a role with them. I was excited, but very sad to leave Chiang Mai and my job at Chiang Mai University. In December 2020 I got a call from my mom that it’s time to come home; my dad, who has been battling cancer for the past 5 years, is going to enter hospice. Two days after accepting the job, I call them again, explain the situation, and turn down the job.
2021
I’ve got flights booked, bags packed, and anxiety at an all-time high. With everything going on I also feel a little sick, so Luke and I go the the hospital on January 8 for a quick check-up and confirm that I am pregnant. We’re overjoyed and excited and elated and beyond nervous, but man oh man do we have some A+ timing. Less than a week later, I fly to the US for an as of yet unknown amount of time.
I quarantine for 10 days in the USA. My plan had been to tell my family once I could hug them, but I can’t hold it in and end up telling them the second day I’m back (I sat on the back porch while they were inside and we were all masked). Everyone is excited and somewhat disbelieving – happiness and sadness together.
My father passed away on February 14, 2021. Much of the following weeks were a blur. Being able to spend the time with my mom and sister was so special and I don’t know how people can go through things like that without support. Even now, it’s hard to think back on that time without tears.
I was lucky enough to get vaccinated in March/April and had a very healthy and smooth pregnancy. I returned to Thailand in mid-June, did 15 days of quarantine here, and finally got back to Luke after 5.5 months apart (and pregnant). We’re living in central Bangkok, he’s teaching online, and I’m trying to find ways to fill my days while we wait for the baby to get here.
At my baby “sprinkle” (not shower). Thank you vaccines for making it possible!
Baby S. (name and gender to be discovered/determined) is due September 13 and, despite the pain and sadness of the past few years, we are so excited for them to join us. The past two years have given my some pretty high highs and low lows. The world is in a state of chaos (don’t get me started on the protests in Bangkok, the situation in Afghanistan, or COVID), my personal world has been forever changed in so many ways, and yet there is this light I carry with me at all times – it makes me think that things will be alright and that they may, in fact, get better.
So now forward. The next month or so should be pretty quiet, but it will be nice to have a place to put my thoughts down.
redheadedknitter 